Kare's Rules of Thumb & Sayings

From the hypnotic Whirling Dervish to Holi, where India welcomes Spring, and the art ofBurning Man, colorful festivals can be where we literally move together, learning about each other’s culture through ritualized dance and other play. That’s where Joie de Vivre Hotels founder, Emotional Equations author and avid world traveler, Chip Conley, is placing his next bet anyway.

“The more virtual we get, the more ritual we need.” 
~ Chip Conley

His Fest300 launches on July 10^th, and he’s recruited kindred spirits who share his belief in “profound travel.” Art Gimbel, his editor-at-large, for example, “stumbled upon a mountain village celebration in Guatemala near Lake Atitlan that changed his life”, writes Conley. The magic happened when Gimbel was moved from observing locals to joining in their dancing. He feels that, “these festivals are living museums of cultural history.“ While, at age 52, Conley has already visited 55 countries, Gimbel, now 36, has been to more than 72. Already, in planning for Fest300, Conley became AFAR magazine’s festival correspondent.

New Movement to Melt Boundaries Between People Around the World

In fact he’s dedicating the next decade of his life to creating a community where we participate in at least one festival a year, and share our experiences.

“The world is a book and those who do not travel read only one page.” ~ Augustine of Hippo

Pledge: “I want to become more culturally curious and will attend at least one festival this year.”

Where Will You Go Play?

When Fest300 launches you can peruse a growing registry of festival descriptions, and fill short profile to be matched to the festivals that may most match your interests. Membership is free. Each week, new festivals will be added, until 270 have been covered, then Fest300 will crowdsource the last 30, inviting members to submit their favorites for consideration.

Conley hopes to generate for others, what sociologist Emile Durkheim called  “collective effervescence“: ”the positive experience of losing oneself in a group ecstatic moment.”

From food to adventure and medical procedures, traveling to pursue a special interest has been an increasingly popular way to move past the observer role of “just” taking tours by bus or ship and to actually get connected with a culture in a more personal, fun and meaningful way.

I’m sure that those who flock to the Sturgis Road Rally in South Dakota are somewhat different than the 100 million who gather for China’s Harbin Ice & Snow Festival, yet you will probably find kindred spirit as you participate.

I, for one, would like to see one of the 10 Ligers that remain in the world. They are a cross between a lion and a tiger.

Adventurers like Matt Harding and  Chris Guillebeauhave popularized the notion of travel for the pure joy of exploration and adventure. Conley wants us to have the opportunity to share adventures with those we meet at festivals.  Perhaps you will discover a new interest or, like Matt, share one of yours, with others, in a place very different than where you live.

You may find that some of your most life-changing adventures come from experiencing different cultures, first-hand, where people are celebrating together at unusual, perhaps even seemingly bizarre  festivals in parts of  the world where people don’t look or act remotely like you, yet you discover universal yearnings and feelings of joy and camaraderie from the time together.

“Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness.” ~ Mark Twain

The Secret to Staying Sought-After

Do some people stop listening before you stop talking? Consider this. When stressed one symptom is that it is literally harder to hear other people. And anyone who says they don’t feel fearful sometimes in the face of this wildly uncertain economy is in deep denial.

That’s a signal to savvy, caring people who want to stay sought-after. Learn exactly how to listen sooner, deeperand longer instead of talking at others, as some research shows we are increasingly doing. Stand out by clearly listening in these specific ways.

1. Practice Connective Listening

Only then can we possibly discover which problem keeps our customers, colleagues and friends awake nights. And solving that one their hottest concerns or serving one of their biggest dreams is the most thoughtful and promising way to deepentheir loyalty and trust, a two-way street.

After all, why should they make you a priority if you, with haphazard attention to them, seem to make them simply an option?

When someone is telling you something it often reminds you of a similar story, and you prepare yourself to respond. Don’t. Keep listening. And when they are done with their point, follow up on it. Don’t revert the conversation back to you. Just Listen further, deeper. Then you will have a better idea about the right bits of relevant information in the order they most want to hear them.  Thus you collaborate with them into buying.

2. Sequence Your Suggestions

When someone is telling you something it often reminds you of a similar story, and you prepare yourself to respond. Don’t. Keep listening. And when they are done with their point, follow up on it. Don’t revert the conversation back to you. Just Listen further, deeper. Then you will have a better idea about the right bits of relevant information in the order they most want to hear them.  Thus you collaborate with them into buying.

3. Are you a Deep Listener, Out-Talker or Somewhere in Between?

One way to recognize if you approach to swaying others is as a thoughtful listener or conversation monopolizer is to de-brief with yourself right after your next interaction where you did want to influence someone.

Hint: Who did most of the talking? As in fishing, until you find the hook that most grabs their attention so they want to know more it is highly likely that you won’t connect and they will get away. This is true, by the way with someone you love, dislike or just met.

4. Ask What May the Most Valuable Question You Can Ever Ask

When you want to get closer to someone, probe deeper into that individual’s underlying interest or concern, and demonstrate that you care, ask this deceptively simple follow-up question, “Tell me more about that.”

5. In Some Ways Mimic a Popular Child

As infants most of us were rewarded with wide smiles and warm voices when we talked. Later we enjoyed more reinforcement for talking as we learned to read.

Beginning in kindergarten, we’ve been rewarded to sit still and be quiet. Yet, even when we do, but we aren’t trained to listen. Yet we are expected to know how. As we grow older we may hunger to be heard and understood yet not learn to listen. We talk until they go on a mental vacation then physically leave.

“It is the province of knowledge to speak and it is the privilege of wisdom to listen.” ~ Oliver Wendell Holmes

In this increasingly connected yet complex economy competition can hit faster and from more places. That’s all the more reason to listen closely to diverse people. You’ll be better able to serve your customers and to identify valuable allies with whom you can generate standout value in your mutual market – perhaps becoming the top-of-mind choice.

6. Triangle Your Way to Bonding

Forge the surest, deepest connection by speaking to the strongest sweet spot of mutual benefit. Now that you’ve listened deeply and have a sense of something that’s important to them, take three steps to triangle closer to them:

Step 1 You (Addressing the other person): Speak specifically to their strong interest, then

Step 2 (Us): Indicate that you share that interest

Step 3 (Referring to yourself):  Describe why it matters to you

See more about the power of Triangling in a book I wrote years ago, calledGetting What You Want, which is, ironically, not the title I wanted.

Then you both are primed to continue a conversation about how we can best connect and go farther together around that shared interest. It may be a matter of selling, cross-referring, co-creating, cross-consulting, mutual mentoring or other form of collaboration.

In business that can lead profitable partnerships with complementary companies that serve the same kind of customers as you.

Collaborating with other businesses in this way is often the most credible and cost-effective way to stand out from your competition – a priceless possibility in this bad economy.

“If speaking is silver, then listening is gold.” ~ Turkish Proverb

7. 15 More Ways to Increase the Impact of Your Listening-to-Connect

To increase your chances of strengthening connections in more interactions, consider these pointers:

1. Control outside interruptions and distractions.

2. Where possible meet in a place that is not noisy, where seats are comfortable and where you can sit at a right angle, “sidling”, rather than across from them.

3. Avoid patterned shirts, blouses or other distractive clothing especially on the upper half of your body.

4. Get your whole body involved in listening and show that you are paying attention. Look the person squarely in the eye most of the time, using facial expressions and other non-verbal clues to show that you hear and understand what she is saying.

5. Open your eyes, mind and ears to be trulyreceptive to the messages the other person presents – both by what they say and what they avoid saying.  Begin listening from the very first word and give the person your undivided attention.

6. Lean slightly towards them, look them directly in the eye, nod sometimes and do not fidget. Avoid frequent rapid movements of your arms or legs. You are demonstrating your attention – making the other person the center of attention.

7. Focus on what the person is saying right now. Avoid trying to figure out what she is going to say; you may miss what she actually means.

8. Don’t interrupt. It sends the message that your views are more important than theirs.

9. Confirm your understanding of what they said, using their words. Don’t paraphrase.

10. Ask follow-up questions to clarify and to glean the specific benefits they seek or the problems they want to solve.

11. Take notes. It demonstrates interest and respect and enables you to recall exactly what was said. When you take notes you triple the amount you remember – even if you do not look at them later.

12. Be direct in answering questions. First answer. Then elaborate – not the reverse, which is considerably more common. Don’t give qualifiers and background before answering. That’s underbrush they must wade through. You will seem evasive or thoughtless or both.

13. Remain genial and receptive. Do not react negatively – even and especially to highly charged words and tones. Hear the person out, then respond. Don’t change the topic. Most people will cool down and begin to talk calmly once they vent their anger and frustrations and feel heard.

14. When the other person gets more intense – negatively or positively, she is discussing what most matters to her.  That’s your hook.  Offer the specific benefit – the solution to that point to move her closer to you or the action you want her to take.

“Every moment counts, and that moment is lost if you’re not in that moment 100 percent.” ~ Tachi Yamada, M.D.

15. Look for connections between apparently isolated remarks. What’s the underlying theme, the hottest thing that most concerns them?

“To truly listen is to risk being changed forever.” ~ Sakej Henderson

What You Reveal About Yourself By How You Mark Your Territory

Did you know that young males with organized college dorm rooms that have a sports décor tend to be conservative? Or that liberals are more likely to have messy rooms? Or that displaying inspirational posters sometimes signals a neurotic?”

Those are just some of Sam Gosling’s fascinating findings. He’s an academic snoop and proud of it. He doesn’t need data mine spying to uncover some of our behaviors and beliefs.  Instead, he observes how we reveal ourselves by how and what we display in our homes, offices and cars.

Do Others See You as You See Yourself?

We see some things about ourselves very clearly, such as recognizing our level of optimism, pessimism and self-esteem.  Yet, we are biased by our craving to be liked. Thus we’re heavily invested in believing in our traits such as intelligence, attractiveness, body language so they become our blind spots. That’s one of the reasons why it is helpful to recognize our personality traits by what we display, according to Gosling. We send mixed signals, in what we display and do, thus causing misunderstanding and friction. He join forces with other Psychsters to offers the YouJustGetMe app for free. Use it to explore the “bright spots”, “dark spots” and “blind spots” in your relationships with others.

What are you inadvertently revealing?

We often reveal aspects of our personality traits by what we display, according to Gosling. From the pet you choose, to where you sit in a group, to the clothes you wear, you are constantly revealing your personality, what you most value, how you feelabout yourself and others, how you view the worldand even how you want to be treated.

• Dog owners, for example, rank higher in agreeableness, conscientiousness and extraversion than cat owners but lower in openness and neuroticism. Dog owners:  Is your pet’s personality compatible with yours?

• You are showing whether you are more extrovertedor introverted.

• Even the ambiance of a place  – and what kind of personalities it attracts — can be determined by the profiles of the Foursquare users who frequent it.

• “Your desk is actually a window into your personality,” says Gosling. “An empty desk often indicates dissatisfaction with or a lack of dedication to a job. An overgrown fern says a worker is there to stay. Every single element, every item, got here somehow.”

How Do You Mark Your Territory?

I’ve summarized some of Gosling’s other clues:

•   Identity Claim

Like rolling down your car window when your radio is on, you are sharing statements of who you are.  The self-directed identity claim is a deliberate statement by a person to express his/her personality. For example, Gosling said, an American flag mouse pad expresses a person’s strong desire to be seen as patriotic, often for underlying reasons.

•  Behavior Residue

Some actions leave a trace in the environment. Gosling says if your desk is neat or cluttered, it may say: “I’m trying to have some organization,” or “I feel too busy to put things back in order.”

•  Thought and Feeling Regulators

Yes many men need their caves. We instinctively construct spaces for comfort, to regulate our feelings. For example, some may play music to help them focus, or put a living plant on the desk to see beauty. We all have the profound desire to be seen and understood. 

Digital Living Makes Our Markers More Invisible

Bookshelves? Music tapes? Increasingly more of the telltale clues are no longer in our physical world, but online and accessible online and in-hand via our smart devices. We display fewer  traces of our personality. “Our true selves are increasingly retreating from public display and disappearing inside our devices,” observes New York Times columnist Bruce Feiler.

Get a Fresh Look at Your Stuff to Discover More

With Gosling’s guidance, Jeff Potter provides the updated test you can take for free. Gosling’s remarkably disparate research on behavior and territory has been cited by David M. Buss in The Murderer Next Door: Why the Mind Is Designed to Kill, Malcolm Gladwell in Blink, and Annie Murphy Paul in The Cult of Personality. Like to discover more about the ways our everyday environments (bedrooms, medicine cabinets, offices, cars, etc.) betray our personalities? Read How to be a Successful Snoop or Secret Language of Stuff: Surprising Insights from the New Science of Snooping

What Really Makes Companies Succeed In The Long Run?

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Some believe companies are great because of leadership.  Others fervently think it’s agile collaboration and innovation. Still others say luck or serendipity play a larger role in this increasingly random, complex and connected world. Yet, perhaps it’s simply a matter of following three rules, suggests Michael E. Raynor andMumtaz Ahmed, based on a staggeringamount of research. Because their provocative book is complex, in places, I’ve condensed some core points into a primer of sorts.

Three Somewhat Surprising Rules to Enduring Company Success

1. Better before cheaper: When you must decide between making something better or cheaper, choose to improve rather than cut prices.

2. Revenue before cost: When you must decide between finding a way to increase revenue or reducing cost, choose to look at ways to increase revenue.

3. Change anything to follow Rules 1 and 2. Why? See 4.

4. The twin shockers: There are no strong correlations between specific behaviors and exceptional company performance; and there is no strong connection between innovation and exceptional outcomes for the companies, thus the third rule.How to Succeed Over the Long Haul by Following These Rules

5. Therefore, paradoxically, you don’t need to be exceptional in order to help make your company exceptional, yet you will probably be seen as such if you help your company stick to the three rules.

6. In the rare times when you find a way to avoid the tradeoffs inherent in Rules 1. and 2. you are on the path towards greater innovation, as described byRaynor in The Innovator’s Manifesto.

7. Put Rules 1 and 2 into practice: When allocating scarce resources or making other decisions among competing priorities, choose what will most enhance the non-price factors of what you sell, and which will most enable you to increase prices or to sell in greater volume.

8. The three rules facilitate organization-wide strategic alignment because they are simple, accurate and generally applicable.

9. Unlike the familiar admonition in many business books to “have a clear strategy” where there is actually no metric or other way to really know what is “clear”, you can know how your prices compare to what your competition charges. And, via durability, selection, delivery time and other measures, you can measure whether you are better. Thus you know whether you are following the rules.

10. The inherent power of these rules is that they help leaders recognize whichof their many tough problems are most worth solving.

11. Once the key problems are identified, choose the best methods for tackling them: those that make help the business improve (get better) and increase revenue.

12. One method is design thinking, the “discovery driven planning” approach described in The Innovator’s Solution. Following this approach firms can recognize, as Paul Schoemaker demonstrates in Brilliant Mistakes:  “Which mistakes should we make in order to test our deeply held assumptions?”

13. Unlike most business books this one does not offer specific steps, or a roadmap to success but rather a compass to point the way in which your firm should be headed over time. Any firm can use it to chart a unique course for enduring success by putting better before cheaper and revenue before cost.

14. The greatest challenge for companies? To be willing and able to change any and everything about itself in order to remain aligned with the first two rules, despite familiar, embedded ways of doing business, including those that are contributing to their current success.

See more ideas about how to accomplish something greater with others here: http://www.forbes.com/sites/kareanderson/

Time to Choose How You Want to Feel?

Breandan and Emma, the couple up the hill from me in Sausalito have been married 54 years, they proudly told me last year.  They walked, hand-in-hand past my home each morning, usually laughing, smiling and pointing out things to each other along the way. Originally from Ireland, they listened, in bed, to BBC News at dawn so they usually had a tidbit of news to share with me if they happened to pass my home when I was finishing my lame attempt at morning exercises in the back yard.

When Emma died suddenly, Breandan stopped walking. He stayed inside their home and ignored my knock on their door. Several times. Later, when he started walking again, he told me his son, a motivational speaker on leadership, suggested that he start saying positive self-affirmations every morning “to lift his mood.”

He retorted, “My mood doesn’t need lifting!  It’s right where it’s supposed to be.” So his well-intentioned son then mailed him a card pack with cheery faces on one side and, on the other, a series of upbeat daily affirmations.  The card pack was entitled  ”Yes, I Can!” to which Breandan hotly responded (to me, but not his son, I gather) “No I won’t!”

Write Yourself Through Your Journey to a Better Emotional Place

That gift inspired Breandan to get out of the old chair he sat in most days, with a morose look on his face, and take action, but not in the way his son intended. He wrote his own collection of “realistic affirmations.”  I figured that the sentiments reflected his way of responding to grief, his stubborn resistance to being told to feel better and his core attitude about living life as it happens. Some were darkly funny. Yet his basic resilience started to shine through as he finished writing his sayings by the end of the year. “Not every cloud has a silver lining so start liking the clouds.”

I thought of Breandan when I read that Norman Vincent Peale may have been wrong, at least for some people, when he advocated saying positive self-affirmations to lift one’s mood. That’s a startling revelation for many of us Americans who have been bombarded with self-help messages based on the belief that positive affirmations are entirely beneficial.

“Repeating positive self-statements may benefit certain people, such as those with high self-esteem, but backfire for the very people who need them the most,” concludes social psychology professor Dr. Joanne Wood. Even those with high self-esteem felt only slightly better after repeating a positive self-statement.

The news gets worse for those with a low self-image Wood and her colleagues found:

• People with high self-esteem are more likely than those with low self-esteem to try to improve their moods when they are sad, as well as to savor their moods when they are happy.

• Those with low self-esteem sometimes even try to dampen their happiness, and engaging with others on Facebook seems to reinforce that reaction.

Don’t Fight Those Feelings. Instead, Notice Them, Then Choose What to Feel

Like obsessing more about the elephant in the room after being told to ignore it, being told to repeat “get happy” sayings, when sad, can make us feel even more sad. As Ed Yong concluded, “Statements that contradict a person’s self-image, no matter how rallying in intention, are likely to boomerang.“ “Don’t believe everything you think. “Thoughts are just that – thoughts,” wrote Pocket Peace author Allan Lokos.

Instead, of trying to change your feelings (as cognitive therapy attempts to do) change how you choose to view your thoughts. That approach calls on us to be mindfully observing what we are thinking and feeling from a calm pool, so to speak, without getting repeatedly sucked into the downward swirl of them. As Thich Nhat Hanh wrote, “Feelings come and go like clouds in a windy sky. Conscious breathing is my anchor.”

Practicing this way we can notice what we are feeling in the moment without immediately reacting, thus become better to choose how we want to react. This approach is called ACT: Acceptance and Commitment Therapy.  To reinforce that practice, “think of yourself as a kind friend,” suggests Duke University psychology professor Mark Leary. That bolsters your self-compassion and thus your happiness. “One is a great deal less anxious if one feels perfectly free to be anxious, and the same may be said of guilt,” Alan Watts wrote.

Breandan, by the way, has begun writing his memoir, describing some of the adventures he shared with Emma, the people they met and the joy of living with her “through thick and thin.”  His writing enables him to take the ACT approach, to observing and accept his sadness at his wife’s passing and to choose to focus, instead, on the many of the happy times they enjoyed together. He showed me the quote he chose for the first page:

“In the end, just three things matter:

How well we have lived.

How well we have loved.

How well we have learned to let go.” ~ Jack Kornfield

As Byron Katie would say, he is “loving what is.”  See more ideas at my Quotable and Connected column at Forbes.

Ready to Reinvent Yourself?

How does a behind-the-scenes print news reporter morph into a paid public speaker? By stumbling around several times, in my case. That’s because Dorie Clark had not yet written Reinventing You. She could have saved me some time, effort and self-inflicted frustration. Perhaps you, too, want (or must) change professions. Soon.

We Can’t Support Your Change if We Don’t Understand it 

My desire to jump into a new line of work seemed perfectly obvious and natural to me because I wasn’t changing my strongest, underlying interest: why we behave the often unexpected ways that we do:

As a reporter I could feed that strong curiosity. I always had the excuse to ask questions directly and persistently, in ways that are considerably different than casual conversation. As a speaker I have the opportunity to share actionable insights on those same topics, gleaned from social scientists I deeply admire.

Yet we can’t expect others to be mind readers. I didn’t adequately articulate that continuing thread to my work life when explaining my shift to friends, colleagues or strangers. Many of them could have smoothed the way for me as I attempted to turn the page to the next chapter I wanted for my life adventure – if they had understood more clearly why I was making the change and how I was suited for it.  Dorie cites Henry Wadsworth Longfellow: “We judge ourselves by what we feel capable of doing, while others judge us by what we have already done.”

Again, Dorie’s very concrete steps for making that change — and explaining them in credible, vivid ways — would have helped enormously. For me the big step into the stream of work life happened in high school. A high school counselor diagnosed me as “phobically shy” yet actually I was an introvert with a proclivity for reading and daydreaming. That suits reporters who must get others talking. And paid speakers, like reporters, must share messages, wrapped in stories, which people want to hear.

It’s Stressful Enough to Change in Public. Get a Roadmap to Guide You.

Again I could have used Dorie’s eleven-step roadmap for redefining and living my personal brand so it was obvious to others. As an ardent believer in specificity I especially value Dorie’s bulleted pointers and questions for close self-examination. They are buttressed by relevant stories and examples. 

Dorie writes from first-hand experience, going through several distinguished chapters of professional reinvention that included being a political journalist, and a former presidential campaign spokesperson to her work today.  She is a strategy and communication consultant who supports organizations in marketing and brand reputation. She, too, writes for Forbes and Huffington Post. We met at a Renaissance Weekend, where the ethos of generous, mutual support makes fertile ground for testing reinvention.

Some Re-Invention Tips from Dorie’s Book

• To launch her new consulting business: “I honed my narrative (what am I bringing to the table?), crafted my content (so clients could get a taste of my ideas and approach), and began using every vehicle possible – from speaking to writing to enlisting ‘validators’ – to spread the message.”

• Conduct a 360 focus group of friends and colleagues to see how they perceive your brand. “If three people tell you you’re a horse, buy a saddle,” advised angel investor Judy Robinett.

 • Encourage candid responses in that focus group with what executive coach, Michael Melcher, calls “paired questions” such as “What’s my strength? What’s not my strength?” Of course, you would take a personal inventory, as well, as Meghan M. Biro suggests.

 • “Research your destination” then “test-drive your path.”  Ways to do both include online searching, interviews, moonlighting, volunteering via organizations like VocationVacations and, per executive coach Alisa Cohn, serve on boards that relate to your desired new role. Such advance research and first-hand experience can both confirm (or not) that you’ll will enjoy this new kind of work and provide natural relationship-building opportunities in your new arena. Even if you simply want to confirm that your current brand is optimal for you, or to burnish it, these methods can help. 

 “In order to be irreplaceable one must always be different,”  Coco Chanel once said. For “leveraging your points of difference, Dorie describes ways to build on your transferable skills, understand what you have and don’t, use the power of your identity, start with your appearance as a brand and be aware of the perils of “fixing” your brand. Regarding that last point, one of her exercises is to “Make a list of the things about yourself that most surprise people when you tell them at a cocktail party (you were in the Peace Corps, you speak finish, you’re a former professional saxophonist).”

If Al Gore and Al Franken can dramatically and eventually re-brand themselves, as Dorie describes in helpful detail in her book, so can you.

If you are seeking meaningful work for the greater good in “the second act” of your life, explore Encore Careers and Marci Alboher’s Encore Career Handbook.

The Revolution That’s Transforming Our Lives

Sandberg’s “Lean In” Lessons to Savor Work and Life

Six Ways to Enjoy Life More With Smarter Self-Talk

“All of the significant battles are waged within the self,” wrote Sheldon Kopp. Some of our biggest inside battles are changing habits to create a more meaningful, congenial life with others. Instead we instinctively, unhappily focus on:

• Those who seem much happier and more successful

• Our past failures, betrayals and regrets

You know that sharing your goals with others is a reinforcing nudge to stick to them, especially if you buddy up, or create a mutual accountability group. So let’s practice actionable, research-based tips together, to keep us on that longed-for path to living a meaningful life. Even if the research is sometimes faulty the placebo effect of believing in it may boost our performance. For both those reasons here are six tips for turning the page to the next chapter of the adventure story we are truly meant to live.

1. Live Your Greatest Passion Despite Inevitable Risk

“Life is like a ten speed bicycle. Most of us have gears we never use,” Charles M. Schulz once wrote. Gretchen Rubin told Anne Kreamer that when clerking for U.S. Supreme Court Justice, Sandra Day O’Connor, “I realized that I would rather fail as a writer than succeed as a lawyer.”  Rubin turned her hobby into her job, and wrote Power, Money, Fame, Sex, then The Happiness Project, which has been on the New York Times best-seller list for years, nudged on by an avid fan base she has thoughtfully and consistently nourished.

Like many of us, you may need a nudge towards getting a clear picture of the specific kinds of situations in which you excel andenjoy yourself. To help you, Find Your Strongest Life provides a concrete approach that I believe works for anyone, even though it was written for women.  Alternatively, manyare already keenly aware that they have diverse interests and talents yet are stumped when thinking of how create a life where they use them. See how others have succeeded in Marci Alboher’s affirming and actionable book, One Person/Multiple Careers.

On this path of strongest passion you are more likely to see life as an experience rather than a performance for others, as Peter Bregman does.

2. Get Greater Performance with Additive Thinking

Yet performance improvement is also satisfying. To learn from mistakes and increase performance and satisfaction, avoid subtractive thinking. That’s feeling and expressing regret for what didn’t work out, suggests Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman in their new book,Top Dog.  For example, “If only I’d made that shot.” Instead immediately de-briefly with yourself and others to focus on others ways you can perform better if it is a task or make improvements if it is a project.

That’s additive thinking: “If only I’d driven to the hoop rather than settle for the jumper,” suggests the co-authors: “Additive thinking helps competitors learn from mistakes and recover after a setback. Beware: Additive Thinking is not to be confused with Positive Thinking; it’s a form of critical analysis.” What defines us is how well we rise after fall.

3. Sidestep the Doubled-Edged Sword of Comparison

As soon as you notice that you are feeling “less than” or “better than” others step back a moment emotionally. Save yourself from the twin pangs of torment.  Instead, Tony Schwartzsuggests you follow family therapist, Terrence Real’s advice. When feeling envious, ask yourself “How do I hold myself in warm regard, despite my imperfections?”  When feeling superior, ask yourself, “How can I hold this person in warm regard, despite his/her imperfections?” or, adds Schwartz, “What do I truly appreciate in this other person?”

Even and especially when you get intimidated, envious or irritated with someone else, an empowering way to switch moods and perhaps even cultivate a connection rather than evoke enmity, is to offer apt assistance. “It’s actually the difficult situations in your life that make you who you are. NOT the easy ones,” believes Adam Rifkin. 

He’s an inspiring example, inGive and Take, of attracting opportunities, influence and friendship, through generous, astute giving. This 106 Miles founder and PandaWhale will become even more famous and sought-after, after Adam M. Grant’s book comes out. Hint: A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle.

4. Drop Phrases That Sap Your Natural Strength

Some of the most familiar phrases that make us feel weak and look ineffectual around others:

• “I’ll try”  – Meaning I probably won’t.

• “No worries” – Perhaps the most insidiously popular response, one that subliminally sticks the opposite conclusion in the listener’s mind.  “Not to worry” is an equally negative variation that puts a bad image into someone’s mind, one that may not have been there moment before.  It’s akin to loaded questions that you should not repeat because you reinforce the questioner’s inferred lie, such as “Have you stopped beating your wife?”

• “I can’t” – Indicating that I don’t think well of myself, so why should you?  As C.C. Chapman told Gretchen Rubin, “People make excuses for why they are not doing whatever it is that they wish they were doing…. They would be much happier if they realized that they’ve got to work hard to achieve their dreams, but that hard work towards a goal that they really want will in fact make them happier.” See more ammunition for avoiding “I can’t” in the next tip. Caution: Sweeping generalizations, such as inferring that all people are a certain way, are credibility-reducers.

5. Choose Positive vs. Restrictive Self-Talk

Saying “no” to temptation is much easier, research shows, when we change the script we tell others ourselves. Instead of feeling like we are restricting ourselves, we can reinforce our sense of personal empowerment, in the moment when we are most tempted. Instead of saying to yourself: “I can’t eat that ice cream sundae.” tell yourself, “I don’t want a desert.”

As difficult as it is to stick to healthy new habits, it’s even more difficult to shed old ones, yet this is one way to start.

6. Switch Your Default Settings

Instead of leaving dirty dishes in the sink after a meal or papers spread out on the desk when a project is done, tidy up for your return to that place, suggests Oliver Burkeman, citing Thanh Pham who calls this habit “clearing to neutral.” Like Burkeman, I had a default bedtime of 10:30pm, believing the research cited by Tony Schwartz and others, that sleeping six hours or less is one of the surest ways to burn-out.  When I choose to stay up later, it is for a specific reason and it is the exception to my rule. Consciously “adjusting your defaults” as Jon Kabat-Zinn dubs this approach, helps us stay present in the moment. Methinks that makes us more able to see what is actually happening in a situation, be more empathic and sometimes make wiser choices for ourselves and those around us.

What are some actionable research tips that have helped you live a fuller, more meaningful life?

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